I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
