So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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