dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
