her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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