i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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