i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
