You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
