she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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