Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
did i just pee glitter
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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