I'm going to jail i love you
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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