Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
