chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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