wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
