I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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