I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
