Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
