Plan B is the new Plan A
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
