I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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