I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
