Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
