Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
