How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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