I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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