Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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