You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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