the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
why is half of my head shaved?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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