Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
