I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
