Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
