No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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