i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
