my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
