We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
