My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
