i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
soo... how was my night?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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