i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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