I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
