he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
