I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
