she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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