I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
