yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
