guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
