Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
