His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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