omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
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I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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