I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
