the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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