I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
