You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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