WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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