We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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