hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
